He Who Must Not Be Named Driven Back By The Joe Who Lived!
Issue No. 16
He Who Must Not Be Named Driven Back By The Joe Who Lived!
Dupont Circle Woman Can Now Finally Relax Because “America is 100% Totally No-Flaws Fixed Again"
Goodbye Clare Crawley and Election Anxiety, Hello Tayshia Adams and Covid Anxiety
Capitol Hill Man Shocked All Latinos Don't Vote the Same Way, Are From Different Countries
Brian Wells, a 32 year-old resident from Capitol Hill, was incredibly shocked after learning that all Latinx people didn’t vote the same way.
“I’m a very well read person because I read the headlines of The Washington Post, but I couldn’t believe that all Latinos didn’t vote for Joe Biden,” said Brian. “I mean, Biden’s platform is pro-immigrants, and all Latinos are immigrants, therefore they all should have voted for Uncle Joe.”
“I’m very knowledgeable because I subscribed to The Daily Show’s Youtube Channel. That’s why it should be extremely simple to predict that all Latinos were voting for Biden, but they didn’t. It is crazy!” said Brian. “I mean, Kamala’s parents were not born in the US, and all Latinos also were born somewhere else, so it’s evident they should have voted for Amtrak Joe.”
As of publication time, Brian’s barber Juan Sotomayor, from Guatemala, told him that Latinx people are not a monolith since they are from different countries with completely diverse backgrounds, and interests. When he heard that, Brian exploded into a ball of fire due to spontaneous human combustion.
DC Government Punishes Boutique Line Hotel for Broken Employment Promises With $46 Million Tax Break
Deloitte Consultants Shed Tears of Joy as Plywood Covering The Hamilton Comes Down: "The World Felt So Scary Without Sushi Happy Hours"
After a long day of resizing text boxes and PowerPoint slides, Deloitte consultant Tyler Loggins was moved to tears by the vision of a uniquely eclectic experience located just steps from the White House, The Hamilton, with the Election Day precautionary plywood coverings removed. Loggins told sources, “Sushi Happy Hours were the last line of our defenses on keeping America America – without them, I was beginning to believe our country was on a downward spiral.”
“Months and months of the pandemic, plus civil unrest, plus encroaching loneliness left me in a very vulnerable place,” added 32-year old Clarendon resident and coworker of Loggins, Jessica McGill. “Then, I saw The Hamilton boarded up, and suddenly, being an Agile Scrum Master for a team of technology resistant IRS middle managers felt like it didn’t matter anymore. I was lost without a purpose until the boards came down. I collapsed in a heap on my apartment floor – life had meaning again.”
At press time, Loggins and McGill were spotted at The Hamilton, weeping over a plate of Crunchy Tuna and Rainbow Rolls.
At Downtown Victory Celebrations, Petworth Man Surprised to See How Much People Actually Appear to Like Biden
Leaked: Suburban White Woman Still Racist, Secret Trump Love Letter Reveals!
Editor’s note: The following letter was provided by anonymous sources to The Cherry Swamp.
To My Dearest Love, Donald J. Trump,
Tis with great sadness that I hide my true feelings for thee. In my suburban village, t’would be disastrous for me to openly proclaim my love. My neighbors insist upon the mattering of black lives and the triumph of the false idol “science.” Tis a den of haters.
Forgive me, dearest Donald, for playing false with my behavior. Only in farce do I erect in my yard the “Biden- Harris” banner. Tis but an ornament of deception.
I am blushingly stirred by your proclamations of constructing the mighty wall and throwing your former rival in the dungeon. I am entranced by your bardic tales harking back to the great pure days of yore.
Like a true king, you have exposed the #fakesongs of the corrupt troubadours. Though my neighbors see the scrolls of the Failing New York Times flung upon my cartpath, I read not its wicked words. Inside my home I listen only to Tucker Carlson, a persecuted prophet.
Finally– ah dearest Donald – finally, my love for you is no longer unrequited. Yea, I was nearly in a spasm of climax when, on this past third of November, I did fill in the bubble beside thine self-same name Donald J. Trump in the secrecy of the polling booth.
My secret is now free, if known only by the College of Electors and Long-Bearded Blue-Eyed Old White Man God.
Yours Secretly Forever,
Karen White
