McConnell Extends Elbow to Biden, Says "Sike!" Pretends to Scratch Forehead With Bicep
Issue No. 15
McConnell Extends Elbow to Biden, Says "Sike!" Pretends to Scratch Forehead With Bicep
Watergate Hotel Totally Jealous Because There Is No “Watergate Total Landscaping"
"We Don't Have to Do Democracy Again Until 2024," Says Foggy Bottom Woman Returning to Shopping, Netflixing, Supporting Status Quo
With Progressive Council Victories, DC Business Owners Regret Unrigged Election
Blast From the Past: Landover Man Claims He Spent Last 6 Years in Traffic at Dave Thomas Circle
As he pulled up to a red light on Route 50, Landover, MD commuter Commuter Anthony Liu rolled down his window to yell, “I just got out! I’ve spent the last six years stuck in Dave Thomas Circle!” Fellow commuter Ronald Jones, rolling down his own window, responded “What?” To which Liu replied, “Six years! They have to fix that intersection!”
Upon returning home after not seeing his family for six years, Liu slumped into his favorite chair and cracked open a beer. “You wouldn’t believe the traffic on my way home, hon,” he vented to his wife, Jessica. “I got into Dave Thomas Circle, and it was just molasses for 52,596 hours. Seriously.”
“You missed our anniversaries,” Jessica reminded him. “And Kate’s gone off to college now.” But Liu was too tired to fight. “Honey, I just can’t right now. Where’s Sphinx?” asked Liu, inquiring after his cat. Jessica just shook her head. “Sphinx spent the last six years sitting by the front door. Waiting for you. She died last week.” Liu grimaced, crushed his beer can and walked upstairs to lay out his work clothes for tomorrow.
Seeking Indefinite Hold On Power, Vladimir Putin Aims to Become U.S. Supreme Court Justice
Researchers Confirm: Parents Who Once Worried Their Teens Would Be Radicalized By 90's Rap Music, Now Radicalized by Fox News
Researchers confirm 98% of parents who condemned rap music in the 90s for its “loudness, incitement, and obscenity” now watch hours of Fox News and are proud of their “loudness, incitement, and obscenity” for Donald Trump. The moral panic around rap music in the 1990s was once labeled an intense social problem, and a threat to the very foundations of society. It’s relatively rapid disappearance from public discourse has now been transformed when those concerned parents began watching hours of Fox News Network.
This was the case for Alice Wright, who once protested against 2 Live Crew’s “As Nasty as They Wanna Be,” for their sexually explicit lyrics. She now watches 10 hours of Fox News and has no problem with Trump's behavior and language towards women including 26 incidents of unwanted sexual contact.
“Yes, I was very active in parental labels for music. 2 Live Crew’s album had exposed buttocks on their album covers! After we successfully got music companies to label explicit content, I was thrilled, but honestly I felt a bit lost. That’s when I found Fox News!” Wright says she doesn’t believe there's anything wrong with the President of the United States saying he would, “Grab them by the pussy.” “Boys will be boys I guess!” said Wright.
Another parent who condemned rap music, John Davison, felt that it would turn his children into criminals. “When I heard the NWA album, I thought my god– my children are going to become violent if they listen to this!” said Davison. Davison is now part of a white supremacy terrorist group which he calls a militia. “We live in dangerous times, I watch about 8-15 hours of Fox News. They do a great job of warning me of the dangers of Black Lives Matters, so I decided I needed to get an AR-15.” Davison has never been a victim of a crime, nor has he ever been threatened with violence. The Cherry Swamp reached out to Davison’s son Michael Davison, now a researcher for the National Institutes of Health, to see if the N.W.A. album indeed in fact made him more violent, he said “Of coarse N.W.A. did not make me violent. I am a vegan.”
How to Politely Tell Your Chevy Chase Friend He Lives So Fucking Far from All the Cool Shit in the City
Alexandria Fuckboi Offended for Being Confused With Arlington Fuckboi
Lady Liberty Has Breakthrough, Realizes Her Daddy Issues Stem from Her Shitty Founding Fathers
Listen, I’m a Roman Goddess of Freedom, but even I struggle with low self esteem. I couldn’t figure out why I keep getting myself into a pattern of bad relationships, with men who quite frankly suck (looking at you Bret Kavanaugh) and I finally had a breakthrough: I have daddy issues because my Founding Fathers are real shitty.
Do you what’s under my leg, it’s a broken freakin chain, breaking free from slavery, DO YOU KNOW WHO OWNED SLAVES? George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, James Monroe… I could go on and on. These daddies are hypocrites! They never really paid attention to me– LIBERTY– how could they? THEY OWNED HUMANS!
See, this is the reason I have a hard time maintaining healthy boundaries, I never learned to maintain them from my Daddies! You know what's inscribed on me? "Give me your tired, your poor/Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” Was this modeled for me? HELL NO, there has always been caveats– not your brown ones–SORRY. I’m realizing now how damaging it’s been to let my boundaries slip and these men distort my message. Listen to me ladies, even though we have bad daddies, it doesn’t mean we have to repeat these toxic patterns. Get yourself a good therapist, a bottle of chardonnay and let it all out.
