QAnon Uncle Shocked Family Not Coming to His Super Spreader Thanksgiving
Issue No. 17
QAnon Uncle Shocked Family Not Coming to His Super Spreader Thanksgiving
Despite endlessly posting Qanon disinformation about the COVID-19, Larry Michaels, a 67-year-old man from Columbia, Maryland is shocked his family will not be joining him for a super spreader Thanksgiving meal. “According to Q, the virus is going to disappear on Thanksgiving. The Satan worshipers will be revealed because they can’t say the blessing at the table,” said Michaels. He continued “I don’t know why my family won’t come over, I don’t want to believe any of them are Satan worshipers, but there is no other logical explanation.”
The D.C. region continues to be hit hard by the coronavirus, prompting most residents to cancel plans for Thanksgiving. Michaels invited over 50 people to his maskless Thanksgiving celebration. According to the CDC, wearing cloth masks can help prevent people infected with the virus that causes COVID-19 from spreading the virus, Michaels has required no one wear masks. “Masks make it easier for the sex-traffickers to hunt you. I’ve never had anyone try to traffick me or anyone I know, but I’m prepared when they do,” said Michaels.
Michaels’ niece Emma Michaels a resident of Manor Park declined her uncle’s Thanksgiving invitation, “ I know it’s the nicest thing to skip Thanksgiving with Uncle Larry, but hey at least I’m not spreading racist and anti-semitic myths that white people to acts of domestic terrorism.”
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Successful Vaccine News Gives Eckington Couple Renewed Hope of Breaking Up
Eckington couple Reina Flotsman and Nicholas Thinne sighed with relief this week as the news of Pfizer’s successful vaccine trials gave the couple a new hope that they would soon be able to leave each other.
The couple, who moved in together in December of last year, report that the virus has ripped through their lives this past year, alienating them from friends and family and bringing into sharp relief their physical and emotional incompatibility.
“I’ve woken up so many mornings thinking that this struggle would never end,” reported Thinne, “knowing I would spend every day in fear, praying my mask works, and having to overhear someone watch another goddamned season of New Girl.”
“Oh shut the fuck up, asshole, like your artsy shit is any better,” added Flotsman. “At least I can be bothered to do some fucking chores while I watch my ‘artsy shit,’ Reina,” replied Finne. The couple then resumed refreshing CNN to see if Pfizer has announced a timeline for the vaccine’s release.
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DC Residents Hopeful New Administration Will Usher in Better Dating Pool Prospects
As the Biden administration descends on D.C., get ready for dating in the swamp to go from terrible to mediocre. The Bi-donka-donks won’t actually arrive until January, but there’s plenty you can do in the meantime to get ready! Luckily, we’ve put together this handy list to help you snag that Biden Booty:
Update your LinkedIn profile! You know that’s the first place the Biden hotties will online stalk you so beef up that special skills section, if you know what I mean ;)
First dates will likely still be virtual for some time so curate the perfect zoom background, including a stack of woke books behind you.
Invest in a ring light and when your zoom date mentions how good your lighting is, casually mention you had to up your lighting game because of your side hustle as a political commentator for MSNBC.
Renew your ACLU membership and while you’re at it grab an extra mask from their online shop. No better way to signal your progressive politics than having “ACLU” stretched across your smile.
Prepare your list of hidden cool D.C. spots “Have you heard of zoo lights?” “There is a makeout closet in the Library of Congress” “Sneaky sex in the sculpture garden.”
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Mayor Announces Plan to Recover from Hot Pocket, Slim Jim, Oakleys Shortage After Proud Boys Visit
DC Mayor Muriel Bowser announced this week an emergency plan to restock the District’s supplies of Hot Pockets, Slim Jims, and Oakley sunglasses. Bowser deemed the plan “necessary” in the wake of the The Proud Boys white supremacist group’s recent visit to DC.
“DC residents shouldn’t have to go weeks without access to cheap microwavable sac-food, meat sticks, or premium sunglasses,” declared Bowser. Investigations by the Cherry Swamp confirmed most area 7-Elevens had run out of the items. “They swooped in and cleaned us right out,” said Mo Williams, night shift worker at the Foggy Bottom 7-Eleven. “It was like a tornado of steel-toed boots, junk food, hate, and Zippos.”
Council Chairman Phil Mendelson hedged his support for funding the Mayor’s plan. “I’m not convinced this is fiscally responsible. If we can expand this to include bulk purchasers of Gushers fruit snacks, well, then I’m open to discussion.”
