Are You Going To Miss Flipping Off the Trump Hotel? Here are Cherry Swamp’s Top Picks of Structures to Give the Finger

Issue No. 67

Are You Going To Miss Flipping Off the Trump Hotel? Here are Cherry Swamp’s Top Picks of Structures to Give the Finger

1. The Dupont Metro escalator when it’s out of service 

2. The smelly trash trees 

3. Georgetown Cupcake and its line of tourists

4. Jeff Bezos’ Kalorama Mansion 

5. Columbus Circle by Union Station

6. Scooters on the sidewalk 

7. Long lines at Jumbo Slice

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How to Plan a Casual Get-Together with Three Friends in Only 27 Texts Over 14 Weeks

Now that you and your friends are all fully vaccinated, you’re probably dying to hang out with some friends; maybe an easy, casual chill sesh. But with a busy holiday season, personal lives, work, and SO many great HBO Max shows to watch, how can you possibly get together in the same physical location, at the same time? 

If you’re like me, you probably thought it was impossible. After the 12th message saying “Sorry I can’t do that day,” I would’ve exploded in a fit of rage, throwing my iPhone in front of an oncoming 7000-series Metro train. 

But that was before I developed my fail-proof plan. I’ll let you in on the secret now. Just follow these 12 easy steps!

Step 1. 14 weeks in advance: Let your friends know your calendar has just opened up. 

Step 2. Send a formal “Save the Date” at least 12 weeks ahead of time. 

Step 3. Follow up the Save the Date with at least two emails and one group text.

Step 4. Remember, you’re only inviting three friends to a casual event. Send individual texts asking what they’re up to next weekend. After they say they’re busy, explain you actually meant the next weekend after Friday the 13th. 

Step 5. WAIT FIVE DAYS. No contact—for any reason. I don’t care if Jack got engaged or if Andrea’s baby was born. No texts.

Step 6. Now that they’re wondering what happened to you, follow up with, “Crazy week! I have some HUGE news that I can only tell you in person.”

Step 7. At this point, they’re hooked. They might even want to hear what your news is sooner than your target date. Don’t give in! There’s no way all of them can get together so soon.

Step 8. Keep scheduling. At this point, they have agreed to get lunch. Or brunch. Or just to meet up near Dupont maybe. Don’t worry about the location, just lock in a day and don’t let anything in their lives interfere. 

Step 9. Confident your friends can meet up on that date? Now say you can only meet precisely at 3:27 pm. I can’t explain why, but when you give them that exact time they fall into line.

Step 10. Finally, continue to be wishy-washy about the location until the last second. Do NOT make any decisions or name specific places. Just continue asking in a roundabout way, dropping hints like, “Is there someplace that has tapas?” or “I haven’t been to Eastern Market in a while.”

Step 11. At this point, someone else will say “FINE! Let’s just go to Cava Mezze in Eastern Market for Brunch! 3:27 pm! We’ve been talking about this for WEEKS!”

Step 12. Begin the process again when one person cancels an hour before you’re supposed to meet up.

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How To Sing a Fun Little Song In Your Head During Grace Instead of Telling Your Parents You're an Atheist

It’s that time of year again when your family gathers around the table to celebrate Thanksgiving and it’s also the time of year when you pretend to thank an unknown man in the sky for it all. Sure you’ve been an Atheist for years (really once you heard what happened to Eve, listen I would have eaten the apple too!) but you don’t have the heart to tell your dear old parents you will never believe someone above is watching whether or not you thank them for your boxed Stove Top Stuffing Mix. Instead of breaking your poor mom’s heart, here are some tunes you can sing in your head during the prayer. 

1. “MMMBOP”: you can spend thinking about whether it is sha-do-be-bat-bon? Or ba duba dop?

2. “The Oscar Mayer Weiner Song”: contemplate whether you even know how to spell bologna. 

3. “Barbie Girl”: think about how you totally used to make your Barbies do it and then throw them to the other side of the room if your mom walked in.

Singing any of these songs in your head will give you that contemplative look on your face; your mom will never suspect you don’t believe in God, she’ll think you’re really into “these thy gifts.”

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