While endless traffic is common on 395, Monday’s traffic was caused by something more than a fender bender or a convoy of stupid fucking trucks: a protest in support of Joan Cusack. The self-proclaimed Movement for Joan Cusack took to the streets to let Hollywood (and Congress) know what they want: More Joan. Echoes of chants including “The Best Cusack!” and “Hollywood is SHAMELESS!” and “I love Working Girl!” bounced off overpasses and government buildings. 

“It’s an improvement on the normal drivel we hear every week. I mean, Joan was really good in Grosse Pointe Blank, I guess. Definitely better than those stupid fucking trucks,” said Larry Winters, office neighbor to the protest.

“She’s truly a national treasure, really, and what those fatcats in Hollywood are doing to her is CRIMINAL,” said Emily Montgomery, founder of the Movement for Joan Cusack. Ms. Montgomery, formerly known as Jeanine Grayson, legally changed her name to Cusack’s critically-acclaimed role in the film In & Out. “She’s just so great in it, you know?”

“Joan Cusack is America’s Sweetheart! Screw Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock–it’s all about Joan!” screamed a protester clad in a t-shirt depicting Jessie the Cowgirl from the Toy Story franchise. “I mean, how great was she in Addams Family Values? She made the movie!”

When asked why the protest was so aggressive, Ike Graham (his name also legally changed to Richard Gere’s character in Runaway Bride), the protest co-organizer, exclaimed “Another awards season closed with zero love for our Joan. It is a TRAVESTY. I could slap the Academy myself! This is the only way to get Hollywood’s attention. I mean, c’mon, how great was she in School of Rock? Give her a retroactive Oscar!”

As to why the protesters came to DC instead of Los Angeles, Mr. Graham said: “Hollywood isn’t getting it done, so we’re turning to Congress and President Biden. I have it on good authority that Nancy Pelosi is a big fan of Nine Months. Plus, this has to be better than those stupid fucking trucks, right?”