Issue No. 21

WOW! Which Household Appliance Will I Kiss at Midnight!?

This New Year’s Eve might look a little different than past years  but that doesn’t mean you should go without your midnight kiss! Look around! Your home is full of sexy appliances that have been showing up for you in ways your ex never did! Check out our list of sexy appliances you should smooch at the stroke of midnight! 

1. The Scruffy Toaster: They are a little unkempt, but aren’t those crumbs all over them endearing?  This toaster has been warming up your sweet, sweet, precious carbs this year- at the stroke of midnight you can cuddle up next to it and make out with this rough around the edges  toaster and feel that spark again! 

2. The Enchanting KitchenAid Mixer: Sure, they’ve got a lot of confusing attachments, but aren’t they so fun to watch jiggle and gyrate? Reward all of the sourdoughs they worked on with a kiss for each!

3. The Hefty Waffle Iron: This thing’s got one job. And it delivers. Watch the magic happen as the ooey gooey waffle mix cascades into the checkered nooks of the cast iron molds and THINGS GET HOT. Play with this toy however you like.

Times Square Ball Experiences Existential Crises As Time Has Ceased to Have Any Meaning in 2020

Entire World Nods Knowingly, Pinky Swears Never to Speak of 2020 Again

Mayor Bowser Spared Awkward Evening As Her Ghost of Christmas Past Spent the Night Looking for Available Shelter

SERIES: How Did COVID Sabotage My Memories Now?

Closure: Taqueria Nacional

Opened: 2007

Date of closure: December 21, 2020

What was it: Mexican taqueria with simple, delicious ingredients hitting at amazingly reasonable prices amidst a comfortably scaled-down decor, beckoning local improvisers from nearby Washington Improv Theater (WIT) who comprised 96.34% of total monthly revenues

Typical reason for going: Superb tacos to be eaten while you spied on other competing WIT improvisers to see what they thought of their auditions...and hopefully yours 

Typical reason for leaving:  Those same WIT improvisers left to attend an improv workshop on game heightening and thus there was no information left to glean.

Why it’s your fault Taqueria Nacional closed: Face it, no live improv performances, no business. Like a dog who’s just discovered his elderly caretaker has been called to the great beyond and has no way of reaching the top shelf to get the kibble, there was no chance for survival once improvisers settled for Zoom.

Phrase to remember: “A fresh squeezed lime Margarita will help you perform better,” every improviser on Saturday fueling up before the show

What’s next for Mexican food in DC? With only two or three decent taquerias left, DC will again go back to its traditional sucking-really-badly-at-Mexican-food role.