Amazon Acquires Santa Claus
Issue No. 21
Amazon Acquires Santa Claus
Exclusive: Joe Biden To Await Further Staff Appointments "Until I See What I Get Under The Christmas Tree"
Zoo Lights Express to Be Replaced By Dan's Cafe Squeeze Bottle Liquor Truck
Replacements for Gelt Amidst a National Coin Shortage
If you’re still planning on celebrating Hanukkah and playing dreidel, but find yourself without anything to hand out on a gimel because you can’t get your hands on any gelt because of the national coin shortage, you’re in luck! Replace your gold chocolate coins with these easy stand-ins instead, and keep the oil burning in the proverbial lamp of your celebration!
All your extra Menorahs!
Gather up all your family’s extra decorative, kitschy menorahs strewn all around your house and have them be the pot this year! Added bonus, this is a MUCH easier way of deciding who gets Bubbe’s antiques once she goes.
Gold wrapped Hershey Kisses
It’s been a tough year. Why not have your gelt stand in be a disappointing gesture at what could have been and not what you wanted at all, just like 2020?
Shots
Gamble not only with the game of dreidel, but also with whether drinking will make your holiday trapped with your family more bearable or expedite all the arguments. Only time will tell. L’chaim!
Although Deemed "Essential," Reindeer Forced to Work Night Shifts, Overtime Without Pay
DC’s unionized reindeer issued a statement this week condemning the District government’s “hypocritical double-speak” deeming reindeer essential workers, but failing to enforce pay for night shifts and overtime.
“It’s great to be called ‘essential,’ but talk is cheap and I’m the sole breadwinner for 3 fawns,” said Blitzen Jones, 34, a reindeer and member of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters Local 922 Freight Division.
Dasher Williams, a 29 year old reindeer, delivers packages for UPS. After working repeated night shifts last December he suffered a splintered hoof and went on unpaid leave for six weeks. “Everyone knows the workplace safety rules get bent when things get busy around Christmas. It’s more risk for no reward. People just expect the gifts to get delivered and don’t really want to know the true cost of this system.”
CDC Announces Multi-part COVID Vaccine Will Be Distributed in an Advent Calendar
Feeling Old? Rudolph Is Hot AF
Christmas season is in full swing, and one of the most beloved characters is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. While people as they were kids remember Rudolph as the cute red nose deer that guided Santa's sleigh on Christmas, we have some news for you: Rudolph is now a grown-ass deer and he is hot AF!
“I had a great time being Santa’s reindeer. I was very young and everyone thought I was just this little cute animal”, said Rudolph. “Now look at me. I’m 38 and I was voted the Sexiest Reindeer Alive by People Magazine. What an honor.”
“Rudolph’s training alternates between high and low intensity exercises,” said his trainer, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. “Rudolph keeps that hot body by consuming 5,165 calories of mosses, herbs, ferns, and grasses. He’ll be my stunt double for the next ‘Fast and Furious’ movie.”
As of publication time, Rudolph organized a party at his Beverly Hills mansion where he invited his former co-workers Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. They all flew coach from the North Pole.