Toothpaste Enthusiasts Excited for the Return of the ☘️ Shamrock ☘️ Shake
Issue No. 33
Toothpaste Enthusiasts Excited for the Return of the Shamrock Shake
DC City Council Votes to Give Cicada Brood Pass For Noise This Year: "We Get It, We're All Screaming Because We Want to Get Railed Too"
With an abundance of understanding what sexual frustration can do to the body and mind, the DC City Council voted Tuesday to just let the cicada brood be horny as hell this year. “The cicadas are only yelling because they’re incredibly backed up -- sexually that is -- and the council-members deeply understand that feeling,” said City Council Chief of Staff Chip McGinnis, while reminiscing on his latest Tinder match who dirty-messaged him but didn’t want to meet up due to COVID concerns. “At this point, getting hog-wild and hogtied is all we’re all looking for. How could we possibly blame the cicadas for wanting the same?” At press time, McGinnis could not be reached for comment, as he had taken some “personal time” in his office’s bathroom and asked not to be interrupted.
Mom Misunderstands Biden Vaccine Announcement, Sends Invites for May 1st Family Reunion
Co-Worker Over Eager to Share Which Flavor of White He Is
It's Not Worth It: How to Stop to Reading the Comments on All Pandemic-Related Articles on The Fredericksburg, VA Newspaper Facebook Page
Even the strongest among us sometimes falter and cannot resist the urge to self-flagellate via reading the unhinged comment sections of Facebook articles. Few among us are immune to the siren call of Free-Lance-Star mega-fan commentary induced rage -- but if you’re looking for a way out: here are some practical steps to avoid reading the comments on any article that mentions COVID on Fredericksburg’s Newspaper’s Facebook Page.
Unfollow all updates from your dad. He’s the one who keeps commenting on these posts and putting them on your feed.
Cleanse your friends list. No, you no longer need to be friends with the racist baseball player from your high school who interrupted Mr. Graham’s lessons on evolution.
Delete the app. Please for the love of God, delete Facebook.
Take Melatonin or ZzzQuil. Avoid Mark Zuckerburg haunting your dreams after you delete his app.
Best of luck out there, kid. And remember, God sends his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers.
Gimlet's Internal Investigation Into Racism At Gimlet Will Be a 4-Part Gimlet Podcast Miniseries
Biden Restores Brutalism to the Federal Government Through Reversal of Building Design Executive Order And Refusal to Wipe Student Loan Debt
Are They Cute or Just Vaccinated?
After a long year of quarantining, the world is slowly opening back up, and we are emerging THIRSTY. The Facetime dates have been fine, but the prospect seeing someone's full face in person has got us melting with anticipation. Do you find yourself swiping right on all exposed biceps with a bandaid on top? You have to ask yourself the question: Are they cute or just vaccinated?
Option 1. Tinder Surprise Sure they may have made some questionable photo selections on their profile (all group photos, which one are they?) On the other hand their profile says “Got that Johnson & Johnson Vaccine, one and done baby.” Well there is a 1 in 5 chance that they are that cute one in the corner of the photo? Right?
Option 2. Your Ex who always talked about how much money they made but would also say “I got this” loud enough everyone in the restaurant to hear and then send a Venmo request down to the cent later that night. You got over them by scream-singing “Thank you, next” at every karaoke night. BUT DAMN ARE THEY VACCINATED? Maybe they aren’t that bad? Besides you’re not dining indoors, what are they going to send you a Venmo request for the turkey sandwich you split at the park! Actually yet, they will 100% do that . Who cares you might get to put your face on someone elses face!
Option 3. Lonely Senior Citizen Next Door: Their spouse passed away years ago and you always enjoy your chit chat about the weather whenever you get the mail at the same time. You’ve never really thought of them as attractive, but ever since they got that vaccine you’ve noticed a little twinkle in their eye (that you’re pretty sure isn’t glaucoma). Listen pull it together! We’ll all get vaccinated soon and our standards and social life will make a comeback!
