Top 10 Valentine’s Day Gifts for your Girlfriend Now That She Doesn’t Have Bodily Autonomy

With these gifts, you won’t need a Plan B.

• A box of chocolates laced with mifepristone

• A card with a photo of another couple that says “we’ll raise your baby”

• A bouquet of roses stolen from the bushes outside Samuel Alito’s home

• Fetus-size candy hearts

• All the “It’s a boy/girl” balloons from your local CVS

• A mixtape of soundbites of mens’ opinions on abortion

• An ultrasound wand with attachable clit stimulator

• Vanilla-scented smart candles that start burning when her rage reaches a certain level

• A teddy bear, because fuck it, they’re just cute

• A gun that has more rights than her