Capitol Hill Woman Can't Wait to Get Hit by MetroBus With Her New Free BikeShare Membership

Issue No. 64

Capitol Hill Woman Can't Wait to Get Hit by MetroBus With Her New Free BikeShare Membership

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Quiz: Did You Just See Dr. Fauci or Was It Another Short Old Guy With Glasses?

Did you see an old man, AND did he have glasses? 

1. Yes

2. No

Were you at a Nats Game?

1. Yes

2. No

Did you yell “HEYYYY! Dr. Fauci! We got Dr. Anthony Fauci over here, everyone!” and then he turned around?

1. Yes

2. No

Did he turn around because that was his name, or because he was annoyed?

1. His name

2. Annoyed

Did you rush over to him, show your vaccination card, and ask for an autograph?

1. Yes

2. No

Did he sign the name “Dr. Anthony Fauci” on your vaccination card?

1. Yes

2. No

Did he then graciously decline your invitation to your outdoor, masked Thanksgiving dinner? 

1. Yes

2. No, he’s totally going to be there 

Did you try to invite yourself over to HIS outdoor masked Thanksgiving dinner?

1. Yes

2. No

Did he tell you that actually open-mouthed kissing among strangers is now very acceptable, and actually rude if you don’t reciprocate?

1. No, that seems a bit odd for old Dr. F

2. Yes, he came on strong 

Did he ask you to invest in his new crypto cannabis business that is definitely 100% real and only $10,000 if you get in on the ground floor today?

1. No, he politely said he has to leave

2. Yes and I think I’m going to be a millionaire soon
   
   

RESULTS:

Mostly 1’s: Yes! That was him. Probably.

Mostly 2’s: No. You have probably just been catfished by a scammer.

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It's Fall, Time to Try That Pumpkin Spice Vape Everyone Has Been Coughing About

The leaves are falling and so is your respiratory health with the new Pumpkin Spice Vape! I know you’re sick of the plain old mint, and bananas foster, and captain crunch. We have come out with something tasty, addictive, and seasonal for you to wrap your lungs around. Much healthier for you than literally smoking a pumpkin, this new vape is sweeping the nation, giving everyone something to cough about.

Teen girl Zoey Klien was one of the first to try the new flavor. “I order pumpkin spice lattes every time *cough* sorry *cough cough* every time they come back in season,” She said. “So I thought that I’d give vaping a try.” When asked to disclose her age Zoey declined. The pumpkin spice vape is getting rave reviews by other teens that have declined to give their exact ages. One girl even said that the coughs don’t hurt as bad as the other vape flavors she tried.

When given to avid acoustic smoker Hank Reynolds, 59, he said “All that gay stuff ain’t too bad.” Which means a lot coming from him. There have been mixed reviews from real smokers about the pumpkin spice vape because many just smoke because they want to smell and taste bad and scare away predators.

So come on down and get your pumpkin spice vape today. It’s what everyone in the world likes, sweet, sexy, and portable. It helps with anxiety, and only puts a little lead in your lungs with this new formula. We swear, you’ll only get a little addicted. 

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